WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
