I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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