we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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