I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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