Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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