omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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