I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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