i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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