Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
