I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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