You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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