You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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