this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
