Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
