I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
