Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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