dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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