A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
