Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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