just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
