Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
