Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this boner is exhausting
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
