I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you didnt know i had herpes?
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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