i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
