Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
