i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
