Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
