Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
