Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
