Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
