just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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