I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
In America we eat man semen.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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