hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
