I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
