i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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