When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
