I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
