Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
