i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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