The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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