Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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