yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
