Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
