when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
please don't ironically join a cult
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