Best friends brother. Beat that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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