R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
