If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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