thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
