WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
