at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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