If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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