dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
