Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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