Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
