If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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