New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
